Honey Are You Still There?
Maintaining a Strong Marriage While Parenting a Difficult Child
Research over the years has shown that the more children in the family and in particular, challenging or difficult children, the higher the stresses and lower the satisfaction levels in marriage. Therefore, it becomes very important, as a couple, to understand the importance of not neglecting that relationship, but taking the time and necessary energy to nurture and strengthen it. This is especially important when parenting foster and adopted children with special needs. Often marriages suffer neglect, stresses and contention, especially when one parent is more committed or exposed to the stress of the parenting process than the other. When the hub is weak, the load can crush it.
If your marriage is stressed, you are not alone. Other foster and adoptive parents are also undergoing similar tests in their marriages. Following are a few ideas on how to maintain the strength of your marriage during these stressful periods.
Make your marriage an important priority.
Make and take time for your marriage relationship. Do not try to find time, it is not there. Make the following commitments as a sacred oath to your marriage: 1) A date night once per week (no "we can't find respite" excuses allowed – trade with other parents needing time away). 2) Spend at least 20 minutes a day in protected "dialog time" together sharing thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams and wants (do problem solving another time). Take the time to be together, attend to each other’s needs, listen to and support one another.
Look for and build on the good.
Dr. Victor Cline, a noted Utah psychologist, has been known to begin his lectures on marriage by saying, "Well, I have bad news for all of you. I just learned on good authority that every woman in this audience has grounds for divorce. That's right men, each of your wives has grounds to divorce you. But guess what wives? So does every husband! Big Deal! Now we have established that none of us is perfect. "So what? Let's talk instead about how two imperfect people can build a great marriage." The secret to success in marriage is to look for the good and strengths in each other and build on those to establish an effective, great marriage relationship. Attitude shapes our marriage. A negative, critical eye will always be able to find fault in any of us. A positive, affirming partner, on the other hand, brings out the best in us. This concept of "positive affirmation" fills the reservoir of love and goodwill that life drains out of us and helps us to deal with the conflicts that beset us in our marriage and family. When full, this reservoir helps us to face life’s greatest challenges together. When drained, the smallest problems between us become difficult to resolve and we feel very alone and unsupported.
The Communicator
Stay committed and remember "This too shall pass."
Even though things may get "crazy and hectic" remember that your children will eventually move on, and your marriage relationship and the precious friendship you develop as husband and wife will endure beyond this period. Help each other cope and give each other personal "time outs." Nurture and support personal hobbies, interests, and outside friendships. Support each other in church activities, civic and cultural events, or perhaps time for just reading for an hour in a hot tub. This can make the difference between just surviving and maintaining a "quality" life. Pace yourselves, and don't exceed your limits. Your relationship with those you love and care about is the most important thing in your life. Laugh more, take yourself less seriously, have fun, and remember most of life really is made up of a lot of trivia that is not really that important. Let go of some of those less important things. The house is going to fall apart, kids (and partners) will make mistakes, the car will break down, and you will have crisis situations arise on a regular basis. So what?
Finally, remember the quote: "The most important gift a dad can give his children is to love their mom."
Of course the opposite is also true; they need to see that mom loves dad. Because children "learn what they live," let them learn what a great, rewarding relationship a marriage can be, as the enduring "hub" of a crazy, chaotic, yet secure, loving family.
